Long Time No See

Life often gets in the way of a lot of things–including updating the blog. I’ve been thinking about about a number of subjects, including gender roles and sexuality, the nature of time and, of course, storytelling, but unfortunately my thoughts have been too scattered to really focus and write about one thing at length.

However, I do have some small thoughts concerning a recent conversation with a friend online on the symbol of the lantern; specifically as a symbol of Brighid, Her followers, and Her work.

 

 

Mysteries of Fire and Water

The mystery of fire and water, as I have mentioned before, is a prime mystery of Brighid, and one which I work with often and find a great deal of resonance with, particularly when it comes to dealing with my own depression, for very often, my depression manifests itself with both “fiery” and “watery” associations (and stories), and both of them are mixed together.

The fires of emotions very often first rise up through me as anger, as fear, as anxiety and as an “active” despair. It is often said that depression is really a numb anger. I agree there is a significant element of repressed or unmotivated anger in depression, just as there is anxiety and what I call active despair, but I don’t agree that anger is the root and soul of depression.

For the waters of numbness, lethargy, profound melancholy and passive despair flow through me and rob me of any emotions at all, including anger. This is the point of the darkest depression, the one that is very often internalized, hidden from the rest of the world. It is more difficult to hide, but I hide it with more fervor than I try to hide my anger or my anxiety because I fear what happens to me.

I fear this water more than I fear the fire, for the fires can be put out. But the water waits there always, and I know that it sits down, down inside me, deep, dark and silent, and I know that no matter how happy I will ever be, the water will always be there inside me.

If depression is caused by a mixture of biological and environmental events, perhaps the fiery emotions I feel are a transformed response to those external events beyond me, while the watery despair I inevitably succumb to are rooted deep in my own biology. Taken separately, these two manifestations of my mind and body provide no real answers, or relief, from the disease. Acting upon anger or anxiety, or working only to release those emotions and externalizing them instead of internalizing them, may provide temporary relief, but do nothing to address the heart of the problem. And working to address the heart of the problem, the psychology and biology of the depression without working to address the very real pain of depression and not working to relieve it is a dangerous catalyst into even worse depression. You may discover the “root of the problem” but you have nothing in place to help you deal with the actual problem itself.